All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

-Bob Dylan.

Doubt feels your every breath on days like today. The air even agrees as it all comes together to create a storm, I just sit here and wonder if I'm becoming who I'm meant to be or if this big hype is just a flake, like a bad case of pretending. Sitting here I wonder if I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, or if I am like Bob Dylan.- Lost in a sea of faces, different sides to one person, and I am only working on one side of that. Moving constantly back and forth from my past self to my future self, unsure what grounds to stand on I struggle to solve the puzzle that is me. I want to be this, or at least I think I want to. Am I an artist, a scientist, a hippie child, poet, writer, am I even a religion? Do I really want to be who I am? Who I've been taught to be all these years, or am I just fooling myself? I don't doubt the power of the almighty and know he has purpose for me and for all that is yet to come, I just sit here caught in a swirling pool of ideas, thoughts and dreams.- a dreamer lost seeking the way to go. lights shine on pathways I must take or could choose not to take. It's like Dylan said, I wake up one person and go to bed another.- each day that passes brings on a different part of me, the organizer, the sloppy, the artist or the scientist. I keep on hold of the branch to the tree I day dream from, hopping that soon my feet will find the solid ground beneath or that I will gain the strength to pull myself to higher grounds.

Notes from the past week in my preallopathic life:
* I can't volunteer this summer.- training would start mid july and I'd only work at that hospital for a month- they spend $300 training volunteers and can't just send me to a sister hospital because they would be paying out of they're own budget and wouldn't be benefiting from it for longer than a month.
* I've been reading, listening and watching almost anything and everything medical I can get my hands on
* I love driving by or just parking in the hospital parking lot. - dreaming.
* i watch med shows every night or listen to reach md as I drift into sleep.
Sometimes it's like O-d\ing on it all, wearing you down until you pass out from too much. The pulse of the dream increases rapidly and then drops into nothing and I'm left coding trying to fight for that bit of life left in the dream before I get lost in the swirling pool of ideas again.

I know my life seems dark through the eyes and words I leave behind here, and I know that it all gets tiresome sometimes, but believe me when I say I'm ok, I live an amazing life and couldn't want anything more, but we all must understand that sometimes the heart of life becomes dark and we just need to escape into the sea of unspoken words. Let them spill on to the page before us and take life somewhere outside of our being so we can at least be free of the slavery they have wrapped our thoughts in.

I promise I'll be more light hearted next post. :] -Just wish me good luck to get my thoughts straight for once.
-Jess. apremedgirl.

When no one seems to care,

do you just keep it to yourself?
It's been a tough and strange day, I'm still not over the whole kristan thing.- I just am not sure how to act about it, or really go about it, but I know it has mellowed me out.
I thought my dad was warming up to the MD idea, but it still seems a bit awkward, mom of course is no where near ready for another Jessica Pre-Med outbreak.
Just before she left she gave me a lecture of how being a mom is the greatest job you will ever have or want. I listened quietly, but inside I knew I wasn't fully agreeing with her. Yes, I do agree that being a mom is an amazing thing and something I would like to become, but just not now. I'm not ready. Hell, I'm not ready to even deal with marriage or anything close to that. I'm defining myself right now, I'm selfish -just a bit. I need to find my way, get on the pathway I want and go for it before anything like that will ever happen. I just don't think she understands that we are geared differently. She was ready at 19, all she ever wanted to be was a mom and that's what she did. She just has this image in her mind that I am going to be the same way, she wants me to live close, get married, have children and bring them over all the time.
It's hard to argue with her, it would be amazing to have some life like that, but it's just not the way I am. Maybe down the road, but not today. Today I dream of becoming an MD, someone who will help people and someone who will be carrier driven for the most part of her life. I get giddy just buying Anatomy books or books on become\ing a doctor, I like to spend part of my day on SDN and will only ever watch the t.v. when House, Gray's Anatomy, or Scrubs are on. I live for this stuff and when you don't feel like the world is rooting you on anymore it gets tough.
I know it's going to get harder, but I believe the more I put into this career choice the more I will indefinitely get back and the more respect and response I will get.
I just need to stick it out for now, keep my head in the books, cross my fingers for the volunteer spot and keep on keeping.
I'm off to read my new purchases : Becoming a Doctor- Melvin Knner, M.D. and The Human Body Book.
:]
Oi, and submit my volunteer application finally! -I'll let you know how that goes.
Night!
-Jess. a.pre.med.girl.

When death becomes part of the picture.

Yesterday a friend from grade school passed away.
My jaw dropped and all I could do was breath in and out to keep my heart rate under control.
I don't think until that very moment I realized how fragile we all are, I mean I did to some point, you have to if you are going to be a doctor; but to have someone you would have never guessed would go, go, it's a real reality check.
I haven't ever had much death in my life, and have been very blessed not to. This was new for me and after returning from the hospital to hear this kind of news just almost stopped my heart. I felt like I should have been there, like if I had enough training I could have done something. I didn't want to come to facts that she was gone and that throughout this carreer choice I will have to face death over and over again. Even so much on a daily basis.
I don't know how I will react when have to call my first time of death or loose my fisrt patient, but I hope I react with understanding and rationality.
My job is to save lives, to help prolong, but I hope I can understand that in a moment like that, that sometimes it's just the right time for someone to move on.
I will miss my old friend. & will always think of all the good times we had.
R.I.P. Kristan, my prayers are with you and you're family.
-Jess. a.pre.med.girl.

My thoughts on Kristan's in her passing away page[kristan.lusvardi.org]:
Jessica Burdge said...
Lusvardi Family, I must first say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of Kristan. I was in such shock when I heard the news and know that this time for your family must be very hard. My prayers are with you and I send my love.
Kristan was a girl I will never forget. I remember back when we where little in Elementary School, the days of american girl dolls and sleepovers, adventures in the elevator and writting letters to eachother for the fun of it. We did curious cubs on hippos and would watch Lauren's gymanstic meets together. -We where there like two little peas in a pod, and I always called her my best friend, there was never a time when I wouldn't want to walk up the street to play.
As the years went by we became our own individuals. We would cheer in middle school and through high school stay friends, always saying hi when we saw each other.
I will always remember her sweet dimple smile, contagous laugh, and big friendly JB's in the hallway. -Kristan was an amazing girl, and will always be remembered in my heart.
I love you Kristan and will miss you.
Love forever - "JB"
[Jessica Burdge]

Operation PRE-ALLOPATHIC is underway,

I'm rearranging and redefining. When this is all over and done, I hope to find a better me. :]

I've been taking a very long break from the whole Pre-Med scene, been doing some real searching on how to go about life and all the things I want to accomplish.
It's been hard, I've tossed this way and that, but I think I have found the pathway I belong on. I've decided and am officially declaring myself an ART MAJOR AND PRE-MED student. I am signing up to become a volunteer at the local hospital tomorrow and will be contacting an adviser about becoming an official pre-med student.
I think 4 years will give me plenty of time to discover and learn if I am meant to be an MD or an artist. I really feel like these two things together will give me the answers I was looking for when I first started on this journey.
I want to help others, I know I am meant to be here for that, and I don't want to just become another face on the sidelines cheering on those who are doing something, I want to be come the one who is actually doing and becoming. I want to make my life mean something; I don't want to just live it for me, but for others. I know there are ways to make all my life goals and dreams meet up with the over all goal of helping others.
To me helping others instead of my own self is something to really live for, if I can make a difference. If I can help others, then my life with be well worth lived and I will have done what I was supposed to, or at least what I believe I was supposed to.
I should be updating more, a lot more.
For the night I must sign off though, I want to wake up fresh and ready for the first day of renewing myself as a person.
Wish me luck.
<3/Jess. apremedgirl.