Thursday, November 19, 2009

Why I want to be a doctor. [in one page]

Why I Want to Become a Doctor

My Passion is like clockwork, it’s what makes me beat, it’s the thing that makes me push myself past my normal limitations and it’s the only think I know I can depend on to get me to the next level. Passion isn’t something you can put on the sidelines; it’s something that stays with you constantly, no matter where you are, or what you are doing.
Medicine is my passion. It’s what drives me, what makes me do things that I never, in my wildest dreams, could imagine I could do. It’s like the blood that runs through my veins, and it will always continue to circulate back to my heart. People, knowledge, and the human body, are all components of keeping me in drive. Although the road of medicine maybe the longest and hardest road I have ever traveled on, I am determined that I will reach the end.
My search for my passion began with the want for reason. To me, reason (along with passion) is everything. I never have wanted an average life, but an extraordinary one. One where I could do something, make my life have a meaning and a reason. To always be driven by passion and to do something that would not only benefit myself, but others. Over the last couple of years I have realized that medicine is meaningful, it has that reason is looking for.
One reason I want to be a doctor is to better human kind, to preserve and save lives. This has always been a passion of mine, I can remember daydreaming as a little girl imagining what I could do to help others and help better the world. I would come up with the wildest things, Imagine I would become famous and dreamed that I could become like Bono: donate, work, and set an example. Though I know my dreams of being famous and changing the world with my stardom aren’t going to happen, I can make a difference through being a doctor, through helping people in a smaller, effective way.
Today I still dream, often in the summer air. My daydreams, more times than not, lead me to parking my car in a far parking lot at the hospital, and there my dreams almost feel real. I can see myself walking those halls, having the knowledge and skills to help others, and at the very least give them comfort. I can see those daydreams coming into color now, the past few months; I’ve been blessed with an amazing opportunity to volunteer at a local hospital. Nothing is so rewarding to me than helping people, and I get excited every time I get a chance because I know the dream is starting to take flight.
Other than serving others, medicine drew me in because of fascination. The human body is amazing and beautiful; there isn’t anything quite like it. Every time I open a medical book or sit through a human biology lecture, I am left hungry for more. It amazes me so much so, that I have turned a full one hundred and eighty degrees from my first passion, art. My family (and even myself) were all surprised when I first announced that I wanted to become a doctor, it was such a different track for my right brained self to take, but passion drove me to do it, and now that I’m hooked there is no turning back. It’s my heart and it will continue to circulate.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


It all sounded grand this morning.

-I even got my mom to go along with it, and for once she sounded happy that I was happy about becoming a doctor. :]
I knew they would always stick to whatever made me happiest, but I also knew that they had some plan for me, and that it would take sometime for them to get used to my plan instead of theirs.

Anyways, to the point.
LCOM and D.O.?
This morning I woke up with a scratchy contact [lens] and an adrinaline so great that I ran across campus without running out of breath. [ If you can even say that adrainaline effected that... does it?]
Today a representitive from LCOM came to our school and I must say I was impressed, so much so, that I might switch from an M.D. path to a D.O. path.
The schools tuition is that of the U of U instate tuition, which is the best choice to go with if you want out of debt fast. It also is ranked 5th for it's primary care programs, and has many other exciting programs that are offered.
You can pick which way you learn, which I have never heard a school doing, but I find it intreging.
The first choice is to go the normal lecture-discussion pathway. - basically the way you have been taught how to learn all of your life.
The second choice is Problem-Based learning, this is above all, my favorite pathway.
You get 72 different cases over the first 2 years in which you and 7 to 8 other colleges group together, along with a faculty facillitator. You study these cases and learn from actually applying what you are learning. It's like playing house for two years, you may not be brilliant yet, but it will get your mind thinking a lot in that same manner.
The third choice is Independent study. This one is self explanitory. You schedule yourself to when studying and learning is best and go to it. Don't worry though, you will have advisors along the way.
The forth choice is the Primary care scholars pathway.- The only 3 year medical program offered in the u.s. It condenses the normal 4 years of med school into 3.
This is only for people who know they want to go into primary care though.
All the options and fetures add up to making one amazing school, I'm seriously looking at applying there when my time comes...
The presentation was great, other than the fact I looked like death.
My contact had dried on the edges making it a very scratchy surface when in contact with my eye. I battled with it until I decided I needed to run across campus. When I got there the problem only got worse. It was painful and very irratated. I rubbed my eye every few seconds and soon all my makeup was off my right eye and everything around it was red. My nose began to run because of the run-off and I could only hope the presentor ignored the fact I looked like I had H1n1 or that he understood that only one of my eyes was being effected and therefore it was a contact or eye problem.

Moving on..

Rural Health Scholars - an amazing program at my school has invited me to join. Well.. more like I must apply first, even though I'm late and hope that I get in.. pretty sure I will be in, but we will cross our fingers and see.

My brain is pretty fried, and I can't tell what time it says on a clock anymore, nor can I create coherent sentence.. or even spell the here the right way. gosh.. I'm depressed that I'm that low today.. I must of killed some brain cells doing something or other.. let's hope nicole is right about popsicles...

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Monday, August 24, 2009

A new school year...

A fresh start at everything I've been working towards.
Although I was late *Yet again* for class sign-ups I've managed to grip on to the tip of the ice berg. I have contacted my pre-med advisor, applied for 3 different volunteer spots and signed up for human biology.
I can only sit and wait now for the semester to get going. I must cross my fingers that I get a volunteer spot, a job, and that the wait list I'm currently on for human bio allows me to take the class, but human bio on top of everything is the least of my worries. I hope.
On Friday I moved into my new apartment * I wouldn't call it new in the least bit because the moment I walked in I felt like I was at a JV camp.* Floor covered with stains and cigarette holes. No Ac, creaky floor and so much run down furniture that you would almost want to cry.
Luckily for me I have parents that would never let this room of mine become a hell pit and I have 2 very amazing roommates that I love dearly already. We all laughed and made the place finally feel like home for us. We have an oddball in the house as well. - Strange tall lanky girl who is pessimistic and insulting. I have had a few decent conversations with her but for the most part we all try to keep distance between us and her. We always feel like a bully is in the room or just plan awkwardness is lurking above us.
Most of the people in my apartment are foreign and I have already meet people from most of Europe. Feli, my roommate *whom I absolutely love* is from Austria, she's very easy going and very fun to hang out with.
Rachel My other roommate is a dancer and a pre-med student so it was pretty easy to hit things off with her. -In fact most of the new people I have met lately are pre-med students which makes it a fun exciting experience. Its fun to be able to talk about medical stuff and have daily House watching’s. I enjoy it.
Currently I'm in the library waiting for my next class that starts in, oh, 2 hours. : P
I'm a little angry that I scheduled my Mondays like this, but what I hope is that this 4 hours break will become time for work or volunteering.
In the end it will all work out for the best, but it will take some time for things to settle down in the right place. Until then I guess I will find useless ways to waste my time... * if you can count this as useless... *
What else to say? Hmm. Well my last month of summer was a blast, I thought from day one with my freedom taken away, toms out the window, arch. Camp out the window and no ability to volunteer that summer would be a complete drag, and it was until the very last bit. My mom jumped into super mode and I got go on adventures almost every day. I'm not sure if now is the best time to expound on it all but here is a list of all the little things I finished my summer off with:
* Payson Lakes
* The grotto
* Payson Pond
* Dinosaur Museum
* My Grandma visiting from NY
* My Cousins visiting from MI
* Stewart Falls
* Boondocks
* Park City Resort
* And various random activities.
It was adventurous and exciting and sometimes we all got exahstied from it, but I must say a good end to the summer. OH! And I started a medically supervised diet. :O
It was hard the first few days just because you only consume 500 calories a day, but I soon got over that. I've lost about 8 pounds now and it's very exciting, you can tell that I have lost weight and I feel better than I have in a long time. :]
The whole thing is supervised by a doctor so don't worry. Every day I give myself a shot of a Hormone women produce after pregnancy that helps burn the baby fat. And then I eat half an orange for breakfast.
100 ounces of meet for lunch and 100 ounce of meat for dinner
Then I choose one of the following fruits: apple, orange, strawberries
And one vegetable of a list, as well as a piece of Melba toast for each meal.
I have about 2 weeks left and when it's all done I should be 25 pounds lighter. :] I really can't wait!

Well, I think that's all I really have to update on, and I'm getting bored with typing my life story, so with that I will end this post and possibly go scavenge for some medical books upstairs! :]

*wish me luck with everything; I need all the help I can get!


Friday, June 26, 2009

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

-Bob Dylan.

Doubt feels your every breath on days like today. The air even agrees as it all comes together to create a storm, I just sit here and wonder if I'm becoming who I'm meant to be or if this big hype is just a flake, like a bad case of pretending. Sitting here I wonder if I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, or if I am like Bob Dylan.- Lost in a sea of faces, different sides to one person, and I am only working on one side of that. Moving constantly back and forth from my past self to my future self, unsure what grounds to stand on I struggle to solve the puzzle that is me. I want to be this, or at least I think I want to. Am I an artist, a scientist, a hippie child, poet, writer, am I even a religion? Do I really want to be who I am? Who I've been taught to be all these years, or am I just fooling myself? I don't doubt the power of the almighty and know he has purpose for me and for all that is yet to come, I just sit here caught in a swirling pool of ideas, thoughts and dreams.- a dreamer lost seeking the way to go. lights shine on pathways I must take or could choose not to take. It's like Dylan said, I wake up one person and go to bed another.- each day that passes brings on a different part of me, the organizer, the sloppy, the artist or the scientist. I keep on hold of the branch to the tree I day dream from, hopping that soon my feet will find the solid ground beneath or that I will gain the strength to pull myself to higher grounds.

Notes from the past week in my preallopathic life:
* I can't volunteer this summer.- training would start mid july and I'd only work at that hospital for a month- they spend $300 training volunteers and can't just send me to a sister hospital because they would be paying out of they're own budget and wouldn't be benefiting from it for longer than a month.
* I've been reading, listening and watching almost anything and everything medical I can get my hands on
* I love driving by or just parking in the hospital parking lot. - dreaming.
* i watch med shows every night or listen to reach md as I drift into sleep.
Sometimes it's like O-d\ing on it all, wearing you down until you pass out from too much. The pulse of the dream increases rapidly and then drops into nothing and I'm left coding trying to fight for that bit of life left in the dream before I get lost in the swirling pool of ideas again.

I know my life seems dark through the eyes and words I leave behind here, and I know that it all gets tiresome sometimes, but believe me when I say I'm ok, I live an amazing life and couldn't want anything more, but we all must understand that sometimes the heart of life becomes dark and we just need to escape into the sea of unspoken words. Let them spill on to the page before us and take life somewhere outside of our being so we can at least be free of the slavery they have wrapped our thoughts in.

I promise I'll be more light hearted next post. :] -Just wish me good luck to get my thoughts straight for once.
-Jess. apremedgirl.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

When no one seems to care,

do you just keep it to yourself?
It's been a tough and strange day, I'm still not over the whole kristan thing.- I just am not sure how to act about it, or really go about it, but I know it has mellowed me out.
I thought my dad was warming up to the MD idea, but it still seems a bit awkward, mom of course is no where near ready for another Jessica Pre-Med outbreak.
Just before she left she gave me a lecture of how being a mom is the greatest job you will ever have or want. I listened quietly, but inside I knew I wasn't fully agreeing with her. Yes, I do agree that being a mom is an amazing thing and something I would like to become, but just not now. I'm not ready. Hell, I'm not ready to even deal with marriage or anything close to that. I'm defining myself right now, I'm selfish -just a bit. I need to find my way, get on the pathway I want and go for it before anything like that will ever happen. I just don't think she understands that we are geared differently. She was ready at 19, all she ever wanted to be was a mom and that's what she did. She just has this image in her mind that I am going to be the same way, she wants me to live close, get married, have children and bring them over all the time.
It's hard to argue with her, it would be amazing to have some life like that, but it's just not the way I am. Maybe down the road, but not today. Today I dream of becoming an MD, someone who will help people and someone who will be carrier driven for the most part of her life. I get giddy just buying Anatomy books or books on become\ing a doctor, I like to spend part of my day on SDN and will only ever watch the t.v. when House, Gray's Anatomy, or Scrubs are on. I live for this stuff and when you don't feel like the world is rooting you on anymore it gets tough.
I know it's going to get harder, but I believe the more I put into this career choice the more I will indefinitely get back and the more respect and response I will get.
I just need to stick it out for now, keep my head in the books, cross my fingers for the volunteer spot and keep on keeping.
I'm off to read my new purchases : Becoming a Doctor- Melvin Knner, M.D. and The Human Body Book.
Oi, and submit my volunteer application finally! -I'll let you know how that goes.

When death becomes part of the picture.

Yesterday a friend from grade school passed away.
My jaw dropped and all I could do was breath in and out to keep my heart rate under control.
I don't think until that very moment I realized how fragile we all are, I mean I did to some point, you have to if you are going to be a doctor; but to have someone you would have never guessed would go, go, it's a real reality check.
I haven't ever had much death in my life, and have been very blessed not to. This was new for me and after returning from the hospital to hear this kind of news just almost stopped my heart. I felt like I should have been there, like if I had enough training I could have done something. I didn't want to come to facts that she was gone and that throughout this carreer choice I will have to face death over and over again. Even so much on a daily basis.
I don't know how I will react when have to call my first time of death or loose my fisrt patient, but I hope I react with understanding and rationality.
My job is to save lives, to help prolong, but I hope I can understand that in a moment like that, that sometimes it's just the right time for someone to move on.
I will miss my old friend. & will always think of all the good times we had.
R.I.P. Kristan, my prayers are with you and you're family.

My thoughts on Kristan's in her passing away page[]:
Jessica Burdge said...
Lusvardi Family, I must first say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of Kristan. I was in such shock when I heard the news and know that this time for your family must be very hard. My prayers are with you and I send my love.
Kristan was a girl I will never forget. I remember back when we where little in Elementary School, the days of american girl dolls and sleepovers, adventures in the elevator and writting letters to eachother for the fun of it. We did curious cubs on hippos and would watch Lauren's gymanstic meets together. -We where there like two little peas in a pod, and I always called her my best friend, there was never a time when I wouldn't want to walk up the street to play.
As the years went by we became our own individuals. We would cheer in middle school and through high school stay friends, always saying hi when we saw each other.
I will always remember her sweet dimple smile, contagous laugh, and big friendly JB's in the hallway. -Kristan was an amazing girl, and will always be remembered in my heart.
I love you Kristan and will miss you.
Love forever - "JB"
[Jessica Burdge]

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Operation PRE-ALLOPATHIC is underway,

I'm rearranging and redefining. When this is all over and done, I hope to find a better me. :]

I've been taking a very long break from the whole Pre-Med scene, been doing some real searching on how to go about life and all the things I want to accomplish.
It's been hard, I've tossed this way and that, but I think I have found the pathway I belong on. I've decided and am officially declaring myself an ART MAJOR AND PRE-MED student. I am signing up to become a volunteer at the local hospital tomorrow and will be contacting an adviser about becoming an official pre-med student.
I think 4 years will give me plenty of time to discover and learn if I am meant to be an MD or an artist. I really feel like these two things together will give me the answers I was looking for when I first started on this journey.
I want to help others, I know I am meant to be here for that, and I don't want to just become another face on the sidelines cheering on those who are doing something, I want to be come the one who is actually doing and becoming. I want to make my life mean something; I don't want to just live it for me, but for others. I know there are ways to make all my life goals and dreams meet up with the over all goal of helping others.
To me helping others instead of my own self is something to really live for, if I can make a difference. If I can help others, then my life with be well worth lived and I will have done what I was supposed to, or at least what I believe I was supposed to.
I should be updating more, a lot more.
For the night I must sign off though, I want to wake up fresh and ready for the first day of renewing myself as a person.
Wish me luck.
<3/Jess. apremedgirl.