Friday, June 26, 2009

All I can do is be me, whoever that is.

-Bob Dylan.

Doubt feels your every breath on days like today. The air even agrees as it all comes together to create a storm, I just sit here and wonder if I'm becoming who I'm meant to be or if this big hype is just a flake, like a bad case of pretending. Sitting here I wonder if I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, or if I am like Bob Dylan.- Lost in a sea of faces, different sides to one person, and I am only working on one side of that. Moving constantly back and forth from my past self to my future self, unsure what grounds to stand on I struggle to solve the puzzle that is me. I want to be this, or at least I think I want to. Am I an artist, a scientist, a hippie child, poet, writer, am I even a religion? Do I really want to be who I am? Who I've been taught to be all these years, or am I just fooling myself? I don't doubt the power of the almighty and know he has purpose for me and for all that is yet to come, I just sit here caught in a swirling pool of ideas, thoughts and dreams.- a dreamer lost seeking the way to go. lights shine on pathways I must take or could choose not to take. It's like Dylan said, I wake up one person and go to bed another.- each day that passes brings on a different part of me, the organizer, the sloppy, the artist or the scientist. I keep on hold of the branch to the tree I day dream from, hopping that soon my feet will find the solid ground beneath or that I will gain the strength to pull myself to higher grounds.

Notes from the past week in my preallopathic life:
* I can't volunteer this summer.- training would start mid july and I'd only work at that hospital for a month- they spend $300 training volunteers and can't just send me to a sister hospital because they would be paying out of they're own budget and wouldn't be benefiting from it for longer than a month.
* I've been reading, listening and watching almost anything and everything medical I can get my hands on
* I love driving by or just parking in the hospital parking lot. - dreaming.
* i watch med shows every night or listen to reach md as I drift into sleep.
Sometimes it's like O-d\ing on it all, wearing you down until you pass out from too much. The pulse of the dream increases rapidly and then drops into nothing and I'm left coding trying to fight for that bit of life left in the dream before I get lost in the swirling pool of ideas again.

I know my life seems dark through the eyes and words I leave behind here, and I know that it all gets tiresome sometimes, but believe me when I say I'm ok, I live an amazing life and couldn't want anything more, but we all must understand that sometimes the heart of life becomes dark and we just need to escape into the sea of unspoken words. Let them spill on to the page before us and take life somewhere outside of our being so we can at least be free of the slavery they have wrapped our thoughts in.

I promise I'll be more light hearted next post. :] -Just wish me good luck to get my thoughts straight for once.
-Jess. apremedgirl.

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